what the hell am i doing?

good hello. update, we broke up. its been 2 weeks and i am torn. i know we ended in.. i guess "good" terms and he wanted to be friends but i just.. can't. i can't act like its a normal thing and that we're suppose to move on. i just can't. i this feeling, it kills me. slowly. i had a dream, and as much as i want to despise my brain for making it, i can't. you see, in that dream, he showed up and surprised me, and we talked and chat and held hands. i miss that. i miss not talking to him. i've waited everyday when we were together, and now, still, for him to call me. say hi, i miss you.. i long that sense of love, that sense of.. belonging. to know that someone loves you, for who you are. and after 2 weeks, i actually thought i can move on, because of another guy that i can have a crush on, until you called me out of the blue from seremban. why? why did you do that? all the memories came flooding in, like times when you walked me home, times we stayed back at school. you were the only one that i loved this much. not to mention you are a genuinely nice guy. but i feel like boarding school, staying with boys, changed you. and it breaks my heart. why did you tell me when you were coming back? why did you even call in the first place. i am not ready, i am still fragile, after the night it happened. and you, calling me, makes me feel like you're giving me hope. please don't do that if you don't have the intention to do so. please. and even though a good friend whom i love dearly said that you may still care, a part of me doesn't want that after you broke my heart. and i know you broke my heart for a good reason but still... to love somebody, and to let it all go when you STILL love that person (which i hope the feeling is mutual) hurts, so much. you made me cry today.. you made me miss you, you made me not concentrate in history today, you made me stay up late posting sad stuff on my tumblr and i guess, the worse, is that you made me love you, inevitably. and when christina perri's song, a thousand years and distance played through the radio, i feel like hurting myself for having the feelings i have. and because of you, i actually thought of cutting myself, just to feel how much it hurts, and to let go all the pain i have inside. nobody has ever had that effect on me, because usually, i'll let it go and move on. but right now, i can't. and if i tell this to my best friend, she will ask me to stop having this feeling and to just let it all go. fyi she wants to kill you... but i wouldn't let her. i felt like burning your picture, but she took it. and i can't take it back. and now all there is left is this post. the feelings i could tell no one. maybe one day, i'll show this to you and make you see how much you hurt me.